Farewell Christmas

Disclaimer: the following is shameless gushing from a momma who just wanted to record these thoughts for herself. Read on if you like, but no apologies for the sentimentality.

I never had too much difficulty seeing the Christmas season go. It always returns, and it's somewhat rejuvenating to be 'done' with the gifts, the traffic, the busy nights. But this year, it's a little more challenging to wrap up the ornaments and put them away. The stockings were just a tad more painful to pull down.

It is my son's third Christmas. The first Christmas he was barely three months old and he slept through it...though I have some darling photos of him in red and white onesies and hats. He was a bit more interested in Christmas Day at 15 months old...though he had no concept that he was in a 'season' laden with tradition, anticipation and uniqueness.

He is now 27 months old, and this year, he got it.

Thus, I will miss Christmas more this year. This Christmas brought out many "firsts" for my son. And his awe allowed me and my husband to experience the holidays as 'children' for the first time in probably over 20 years.

This year I will remember how my son memorized his first whole song and would sing it throughout the day - Jingle Bells. He also picked up on saying "Merry Kissmas" and "Happy Noo Year!"

He quickly caught on to the Santa character who waltzes through the month of December - from the decoration in people's lawns to the television specials featuring Santa to the Veggie Tales' fantastic rendition of the story of St. Nicholas. I love that his first time meeting Santa was at a holiday food drive where he presented Santa with donated food items. Afterward he kept saying, "Give. Santa. FOOD!" His first Santa encounter went so well I thought we should take him to visit the mall Santa for the first time...and actually purchase the overpriced "classic" American family Santa photo. He was NOT enthused. The only reason for the half-amused smirk on his face is thanks to the enthusiastic elf photographer shaking jingle bells above the camera. It was not a true Christmas moment.

This year also brought his first taste of hot cocoa, whipped cream and a sugar cookie. He still tries to pull the whipped cream can out of the fridge and asks us if he can "Bite this thing??"

He of course understands what gift are now. He doesn't really care if the gift is for him or not, though if anything Thomas happens to be under the wrapping paper...game over. He really just enjoys pulling the paper off of all the gifts and then letting the true recipient tackle the box.

Finally, he discovered how to identify and say "Christmas lights!" I will miss this the most. He first noticed them on our little Christmas tree. Though he truly tried to be obedient in not touching the lights, he'd often relegate to awe and give them a nice tug. But his favorite activity was driving around with us at night and seeking out the lights. "LOOK! Kissmas lights!!" he'd exclaim from his carseat, pointing vigorously. We took him several times to a neighborhood that has competitively been displaying lights and Christmas decorations for over 20 years. For this, we allowed him to sit on our lap, roll down the windows, blast Christmas music from the stereo and gaze. I MISS these nights.

I know every Christmas will bring another nuance, traditions will carry on, and some aspects will move on as our children grow up and we parents grow older. But 2011 will remain quite special.

the dirty truth

I am tempted to write regaling my success and adoration with cloth diapering. I read lots of mommy blogs that do so, but my experience is quite different.

So, enjoy. Here is my unadulterated, no holds barred, and quite filthy description of the task.

To begin, a quick overview of the positives. Using cloth is cost efficient* and gives me excuses to indulge in other luxuries...like chocolate, and red wine. It also makes me feel eco-conscious...and a little less guilty when I don't spend the 15 minutes it takes to rinse my jar of peanut butter so it can go in the recycle bin. And I'm really looking forward to the day when wearing cloth "clicks" with my toddler and he comes up to me and says, "Hey mom. This cloth makes me feel my wetness a lot sooner than those lousy disposable diapers. I think I'm ready to go use the potty all on my own."

So until that day, my experience consists mostly of praying he will poo in his overnight diaper (which is disposable, I only CD about 70% of the time***) so I don't have to deal with the messiness that ensues after the cloth diaper poo. Yes, it's nice when toddler makes a nice, sturdy terd that flicks gingerly into the toilet, but for all the times that's not the case, I find myself averting swear words like none other.

And to this scenario, a calm, poised CD momma would respond, "Well haven't you installed one of those diaper sprayers to your toilet, to help spray the mess into the toilet?"

Why yes, I have!

And it's nasty! If I manage to find the correct pressure to hold down the lever so that I don't spray terd shrapnel into my face and all over the floor, then my next challenge is using the sprayer to direct the load into the water - cautiously trying to avoid little bits passing into the creases and folds of the diaper. That really sucks because then the only way to get the poop balls out is to grab a hold of the other side of the diaper and slooowly dangle it in a way that:
1) the brownish liquid doesn't dribble onto your fingers, or...ew...2) that you don't have to resort to digging it out with a finger.

And after all that, it's time to shove the diaper into the hanging cloth diaper holder. Except, it's zipped shut. Now I have to manage to figure out how to unzip it while holding the poop-stained, and now sopping wet diaper with two contaminated hands. This is not a pretty, nor sanitary, sight.

Is it better to try to unzip the zipper with my teeth and avoid touching it with my contaminated fingers?

Or, is the bag already contaminated by a previous diaper which would then cause me to ingest feces bateria???

Sigh.

*Cost-efficient until you realize that in the whole 22 months since your kid has been born that some genius went and invented diapers far cuter and way more effective than the diaper lot you scrimped and saved to purchase. Which at this point you then decide that the diapers you purchased are lousy, stretched-out and are giving your kid a rash. So then you try to figure out how to spend enough on one of those cloth diapering websites to achieve free shipping and maybe even, (gasp!) a free nappie**. Before you know it, another $100 has gone out the door. Am I right?

**What's a nappie?


***I still have convictions, even when it comes to choosing a disposable diaper. Seventh Generation and Earth's Best make a zero chlorine, low chemical diaper that doesn't turn to "crystals" or "gel" once your kid pees. And yes, they average about 35 cents a piece if you go out the door and buy them right now. But I wait for the Toys R Us incentives and Fred Meyer Founder's Day sale where I can snag a good cartload at of diapers for $5/pack.

Homegrown Tomatoes, Simply.

My Top Methods for Growing Tomatoes in the Puget Sound.

Warning: I write from my own personal experience and research only. I have no other qualifications. I have just found that the gardening world can be overwhelming and I've always wanted a "how to" method for my gardening projects - given in laymen terms and specific to my Puget Sound environment.

1. Location, Location, Location!
After a couple years experimenting in our yard, I prefer the container method of growing tomatoes. If spring rains dominate over sunshine, like they did in 2011, then tomatoes can always stay the night inside with you. They like to be warm. Additionally, you can move the container to the sunniest spot in your yard - tomatoes LOVE morning sun. If you opt to plant in a raised bed, remember to stake the vines as they grow.



2. Growing Seedlings Are Not for the Faint of Heart
It's a cute idea - grow tomatoes from seed. But I am not so committed to see this idea through to entirety. I live in a rainy, cloudy environment and there is one, maybe two weekends a year where you can bet on sunshine. To grow successful tomato seedlings here requires either a green house or ample indoor space where you can set up a table with hot lamps pointed at the starts. 
My bashful conclusion...purchase organic tomato starts from a local nursery for a couple bucks in mid-May. 


3. Good Soil
Be willing to pay an extra couple dollars for a potting soil that contains proper organic ingredients such as compost, mulch and good old-fashioned bat guano. I enjoy this brand. I like that it has some natural "fertilizers" in it as well <<beware: I depart and jump on a bit of a soapbox here, and it's fine to disagree!>>  since I get tired of people saying, "Fertilize your tomatoes or you'll be sorry..." I don't enjoy synthetic things, so I naturally don't care to put synthetic fertilizer in my garden. One day I hope to make my own potting soil, but until then I am happy with the ingredients in the brand I recommend. I have found that quality organic soils can't be found at chain stores but are readily available at locally-owned nurseries. Yes, it costs a little more but I offer my adage of "Pay now, or pay later" when it comes to such things. Tomatoes are one of the top ten foods most vulnerable to the effects of pesticides. And because we don't fully know what pesticides are capable of, I certainly would rather pay a little more now to garden organically.

4. Water...daily?
Initially, yes, to establish a good root system. But don't overdo it! Also, speaking of root systems, be sure to plant as much of the big stem as possible in the soil - ideally it will break into dozens of little root systems to make a healthy, vibrant plant.
You can check to see if your plants might need water simply by poking your finger into the soil about two inches - if the soil is dry to the touch, then it is time to water.


5. Size Matters
Because I have opted for a container method, I use plants that yield small tomatoes. My favorites have been Patio or 100's.

6. Enjoy the Process
Until I had my son in 2009, I was so concerned about doing everything right. Raising him has challenged me to live in the moment and focus on enjoying the activity rather than the "correct" process. The most important element of gardening at our house are the people involved. My toddler follows me all over the yard and mimics me in the garden. He snatches my garden tools and squeals as he rakes them over bushes, he grabs fistfuls of dirt and tosses it on attractive weeds - quite pleased with himself that he has "planted" something, and he snatches my seed markers from our veggie rows in our garden bed (this can be slightly inconvenient so I have creatively found three different methods for marking my seeds...if he removes one marker I always have at least two other ways of identifying my seeds). My favorite thing he does in our garden is to shove his whole face in to a flower and take a deep sniff. 

I am thrilled for the day when he can better understand the whole planting process and share in my exuberance of seedlings sprouting up from the dirt.

Hope to post photos later of a successful harvest!

Deservedness

I judge. I do. But I also repent. I have to.

My 19 month old son and I went to a park the other day and though it was drizzly and there was no time to schedule a play-date with other friends, we were stir-crazy so off we went. There was one other family there that morning - both parents with two children about age 3 and 6 and a set of newborn twins. Mom was pushing the twins around in a stroller while dad aimlessly followed his older two around the play equipment.

I scrutinized their interactions.

Dad lit up a cigarette. In between drags, he'd half-heartedley push his daughter on the swing. His eldest son jumped from log to log exclaiming, "Dad! Look!" but dad's eyes drifting to his watch was the only reply. Mom sighed loudly as one of her babies wailed. "I knew we'd regret this," I heard her say.

Regret what? I wondered. The choice to let your kids play outside? Or even having so many kids in the first place?

As the morning went on and I'd been showing my babe how all the play equipment works, the older two kids started following me around. They started asking us silly questions and soon we were all laughing. The dad came over and barked at his kids to leave me alone. "They don't bother me," I replied, but he grabbed them by the arms and pulled them away. A feeling of superiority came over me. Surely, if I am ever so fortunate to be gifted with four children, I wouldn't be as exasperated as those parents. I mean, didn't they notice their kid's delight after just a few moments with an attentive stranger? As I watched them drag their kids to the car, I whispered, "They don't deserve all those kids."

Then, revelation.

Any superiority escaped me as I turned all scrutiny toward myself and my envy. I didn't realize how ashamed I was of my own struggles with being able to conceive, and how that had somehow translated into an issue of deservedness. My envy, a byproduct of my shame, had brought me to judge a set of parents who were likely just overwhelmed in that moment and coping in the best way they knew how. As my grace increased for them, I realized the grace also being extended to me by God, Who I believe loves me.

My heart can be ugly. And I'm glad I don't get what that ugliness deserves. Funny how I thought that my desire to have more children without the intervention of a reproductive endocrinologist, and my supposed greater capacity for patience, makes me more deserving to be a parent.

Truth is....their children are a gift. My son is a gift. All children yet to be born - despite the circumstances or choices of their parents - are gifts. No one deserves to have a child. So thanks to God for gifting us. Fertile or infertile, accidental pregnancies or doctor intervention required, it is God who lends us our children.

And through having a child, He allows me to decide daily - will I react or will I teach? Will I demand certain behaviors of my child or will I live in a way that's exemplary of an integral life? Will I manipulate him with guilt and shame or will I lead him with the big picture in mind? Will I shield him from consequences or will I go before him and reveal that their is joy despite difficulty and that hope comes after despair?

I will approach the hope for future children with gratitude, not deservedness.

Ok, I Write Online Now.

I have been hastened to blog due to myriad thoughts that flood my brain as I consider the implications of one posting their personal details, photographs, intricate thoughts and world views on the web. The cowardice of the Internet has certainly brought regret to a number of well-meaning individuals desiring a public platform for a soapbox or two. This all has kept me somewhat elusive when it comes to social networking and the like.(However, you can now follow me on Twitter).

So how did I, a semi-web conspiracy theorist, become a blogger? Quite simple really. I know momma blogs are a dime-a-dozen out there, but I do know that there is no woman out there who has been momma to my son. No one sees him and learns through him like I do - just as the momma blogs I love are intrinsic to their own babies and perspectives. So yes, the day my son was born is the same day a new potential momma blogger was born. His sweet entrance into the world has given me insight that I desperately want to articulate before my mind permanently defaults to: "Where are the color crayons?"

"Did I pack enough snacks?" and "I wonder if there are any good clearance sale online for organic baby clothing?"

I do love to write. If I had vocal or musical capabilities, I would strum a guitar endlessly hoping to achieve music that would communicate how I see things. But the art in me is limited, and the closest I get is a semi-skilled ability to put a few words and phrases together in an effort to identify meaning. And I'm grateful for the concept of a web-log which allows me to "publish" the art in me in such a fanciful way.

I have to admit...I have been composing blog posts in my head for well over a year now. There is just something in me that wants to proclaim in writing that my son has discovered the toilet on his own and actually used it for the first time the other day. Then I laugh wondering what friends without children will think about how I'm captivated with the fact that the potty world goes hand-in-hand with the parenting world. I suppose it began when I was pregnant and sneezed in the grocery store at about 35 weeks along. Surely I didn't want anyone in the market to notice the seeping liquid on my skirt, but something in me wanted to type out the story for the world to see. I suppose that was a sign that I should just start my blog and be done with it.

My blog will likely surround my goal for the last year or so  - to be present; to live in each minute. How I will appreciate these moments recorded in writing...especially when I find myself wasting time wishing for a different house and regretting decisions from my youth. So here goes...

Hello blogger-sphere. Is that the correct word? I'm still (and always) learning.